What is the Role of a Pastor's Wife?

Lay Off the Pastor’s Wife!

What is the role of a pastor’s wife?

I recently interviewed at a church to be their pastor. I talked with the church board, preached for the congregation, and everything seemed to be moving in the right direction, until they kept pressuring me about what my wife’s role in the church would be.

Now, two things you need to understand: This was a small church seeking a bi-vocational pastor, someone who would take the position as part-time. Because this was a part-time position, I could arrange my services so that I could minister to this new church and still keep my House Church congregation going.

When the church board I was interviewing with asked about my wife’s role at their church, I said I could not make any guarantees she would even attend this church because she was already involved in our House Church and not looking for a new congregation. As a pastor, I was looking for an additional opportunity to serve, not an extra church for my wife to come be a part of.

When they kept insisting that my wife come to their church, I pointed out that a pastor need-not be married at all. I would be perfectly qualified to serve their church as a single man. I asked that instead of thinking about what the pastor’s wife would or would not do at the church, we stick to Scripture.

1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 give us the requirements for church leaders:

Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. ² Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, ³ not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. ⁴ He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. ⁵ (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) ⁶ He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. ⁷ He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.

⁸ In the same way, deacons are to be worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. ⁹ They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. ¹⁰ They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

¹¹ In the same way, the women are to be worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.

¹² A deacon must be faithful to his wife and must manage his children and his household well. ¹³ Those who have served well gain an excellent standing and great assurance in their faith in Christ Jesus.

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An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. ⁷ Since an overseer manages God’s household, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. ⁸ Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. ⁹ He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

Do you see the requirements for the wives of church leaders? All it says is that if the man is married, he needs to be faithful to his wife. The leader’s wife has no explicit role! She’s not in charge of the women’s ministry or supposed to be the piano player for the church services or the member care coordinator. She can be, certainly, if she has those gifts, but she doesn’t have to be. When a church calls a pastor, they are calling a pastor, not a pastor and a pastor’s wife. This is not a two-for-one deal. The wife doesn't even need to present for the leader to have an effective ministry.

So, I gently laid out the Scriptures to this church board, and do you know what they responded with? No argument of the passages, but, “We feel it’s important for the pastor’s wife to be present and supporting the ministry of the pastor.”

We feel.

Pastors, if a church is calling you but isn’t willing to call you according to the terms of Scripture, don’t go. You’ll find yourself presenting Scripture week after week, only to be frustrated by “we feel” coming back from your congregation.

Church, if you’re calling a pastor but not willing to call according to the terms of Scripture, you forfeit your privilege to call a pastor.